BEAUTY



Grandma Janie off to buy her secret $2 bingo lottery tickets



So, one of my best friend's grandma lives in my neighborhood. An 87 year old Ohio-ian we see each day scurrying the 2 miles round trip to the gas station to purchase her secret lottery tickets. She walks with only her cane as company, talks to herself, and touches each pole, sign, or tree as she goes by. We often pull over and make sure she's gonna make it up the huge hill home. If she's tired she lets us know and I pull and Chloe pushes her in. I try to make the drop off quick, as she can chat you up for hours and may spray you a bit due to her overbite and the Gopher-from-Winnie-the-Pooh-like whistling, spitting lisp.

So today I'm holding her arm as she gets in front and our faces meet. She stops whatever it is she's saying and says, "Honey, you always look so cute." Considering she's legally blind I accept the compliment.

I rarely get dressed in much more than jeans and a shirt, that is, if I get out of my pajamas. I always have my hair tied back and hardly ever put a lick of make-up on, and God knows it's not because I don't care or don't want to, it's because I have no energy or time to do it.

Here's the thing: Like Grandma Janie, my kids are blind to my looks. They don't care what I look like, unlike my doting mother who's always telling me that I look so much better when I "put my face on." Same goes for God. He's working on the internal beauty right now with me, and like any work in progress, it's typically a mess until the framework is finished.

Motherhood is not pretty, certainly gross, and sometimes dull like my hair and skin, but it's not like this forever. They will be gone soon, so I'm ok with my appearance being untamed. I will focus on that once they don't require so much of me and I'm bored.

Today's prayer: "Ah, what a relief. To transfer my awareness from external focus to internal growth. Thank you for taking me as I am. You have shown through Grandma Janie, my kids, and my husband today that I am loved for my awesomeness and not my grusomeness."

Truly a beautiful woman. Beauty is her wisdom.

I'M THERE



Why the heck are you smiling?

Ok, I'm there. I'm officially at my wit's end. Right here. Right now. Just cancelled Chloe's horseback riding 'cause I went on a relatively short trip to the ER to get Caleb four stitches in his forehead (kid nailed him with a rock). Certainly a baby book moment moving him from little boy into kidhood, but screw it, I don't even know where the baby book is anymore. And tomorrow's my birthday and I've been reminded that I've outlived Jesus ninety times. Awesome. My husband said he needed to get my present today after work. I said the best present you can give me is to come home early. Which he did (20 minutes, woo-fricken'-hoo). He helped the boys out of the tub, got them dressed, and there's mac and cheese going on the stove, all of which took 15 minutes. Thank you, honey. Of course, he just let me know he has a softball game in a half hour and is leaving again. Screw you. His phone has received 3 text messages in the last 5 minutes and oh, now it's ringing, here he goes, yelling into the phone like he's at a Padres game. Music to my ears. And if I have to talk about the Gold Rush one more time this week, anyone who's around better watch out because I'm about to take a nugget and stick it up somewhere where the sun don't shine. Doorbell's ringing...gotta go.

RELEASE CORD

I'm sitting at my dining room table helping Chloe with her Gold Rush project, of course she's home sick with a fever. Conrad dumps cereal all over the floor and drags the vacuum outside. I peer into the garage and Caleb is scaling the darn inside of the half open garage door like Spiderman and reaching for the release cord.

Calmly, I ask, "Caleb, what are you doing?"

Now parallel with the cement floor, he turns his head slightly over his shoulder and yells, "I HAVE NO IDEA!"

He pulls the cord and goes slamming down to the ground, riding the door like a stallion.

I swear to you, you think I'd be so fed up with the chaos around me, but, I start laughing so hard. Chloe is cracking up, Caleb's whimpering like a puppy dog, Conrad's yelling from God knows where in the house, and I can do nothing but hold my crotch and laugh my freakin' head off. (Three kids does not fare well for the bladder btw. Soccer requires huge pads now...another awesome result of being mom. Squirrel)

Isn't this a perfect analogy to stay-at-home motherhood? We attempt the climb, trying to reach whatever there is to attain, get there, expect greatness, then get slammed to the ground. Worse yet, we have absolutely "NO IDEA" why we tried the climb in the first place. Brilliant. 

Today's prayer: "Lord, thanks for the reminder that release cords aren't always the way out, never the way up, but always the way down. Knowing You doesn't make life easy, it makes it easier to climb and softer when we fall. So, until the next slamming, because there will be one, like dear Caleb, I'll hold on for dear life, even if I have no stinkin' clue why. You're sure to show me sooner or later and I'll thank you then."

LIFE OR DEATH

Caleb during an EEG for his epilepsy.

Motherhood calls for tough situations to handle, but holding a lifeless child in your arms takes the cake. Caleb was just 2 years old when my dad held him in his arms and the shade of blue in his skin darkened to purple. This was the worst yet, as he seized and did not breathe for about 5 minutes.

Holding them close.

This past Thursday, I heard a thump upstairs and loud, muffled screaming. I ran to find my baby boy face down in his crib, arms at his side. I lifted his ragdoll body up and this time watched his blue lips revive to a rosy flesh. Later that night, I held my sweet angel on his right side in the hospital crib to finish out his baby book worthy 2nd seizure.

He stared right past me as he shook ever so slightly. I whispered in his ear, "Mommy's here, baby boy, momma's here. It's ok. It'll be over soon."

Smiles with Daddy after a long night.

These moments are terrifying and draining. They remind me that these kids are everything to me. They are life. So they can be pains in the arse to raise sometimes, testing just how much patience I have at every moment...yet, I will do everything I can to ensure they not only survive, but thrive. It's my God given role. So I sometimes have to watch my boys leave life, make their way back and act like nothing happened. I'm a mom who understands that I'm not in control, God is.

Today's prayer: "Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with the lives of my sweet Chloe, Caleb, and Conrad. Just thank you."

CHOCOLATE MONEY

"What are these men doing, mom?"

"They are called gold miners and they would find gold and sell it for money."

"Ahhhhhh...would they sell it for chocolate money? I looooooove chocolate money."

If only we could operate in chocolate money. We are raising our kids in one of the worst recessions in American history. Some are still afloat and thriving and some are being forced to live from a place of deficiency rather than abundance. Either way, these are times to get back to basics. Times to embrace board games, tossing a baseball, sleepovers with friends, storytelling, and taking walks. I've finally learned that big spending on family time is overrated. There is so much more quality bonding to be done in these simpler actvities, than the big trip to the amusement park.

Today's prayer: "Lord, help me to be wise in making monetary decisions. Lead me to discern between what is a need and what is a want and to know quality is more important than quantity. Help me relay this to these little minds. They are my chocolate money; rich in flavor, warming to my heart, and worth every penny Hershey's charges me to eat it and gain weight."

CHICKEN BUTT

Clearly my son enjoys smelling butts.

"Phew, Mom, your butt smells like chicken."

"Why are you smelling my butt?"

"Because I thought it would smell like fruit, but it smells like chicken."

Oh, the idyllic things we thought about having children, all fruity and sweet. A little peanut (or 2 or 3) to love and to love us back, to cuddle and kiss all day long, to raise and create a relationship otherwise unknown...sounds dreamy, right? Well, it is.



Toss 'em like my cousin here.



However, there are more of the challenging, chickeny smelling times (whatever that actually smells like), too, and times you'd like to throw the kids out the window. Similar to the Michael Jackson move with Blanket, but actually letting go. And we think, "I just wanna toss 'em...toss 'em out along with the spouse,  ex(es), health problem, crappy  job, disfunctional family and/or financial issues." But, it doesn't work that way, does it? Although some fall off the deep end and succumb to their circumstances, what keeps the majority of us from doing that and persevering through, yet, another day?



Racing through life gets you stained.

In my experience, without God, I struggled.

I struggled everyday to make it through emotionally, to stay above water, and to keep the appearance of being strong. But, inside, I was confused, lost, and stained. I didn't know how I was going to be a single mom, I didn't know how I was going to get through 5 months living off an IV and in bed just to have a baby, nor did I know what to do when I had to go to child visitation court.

  

I've been a Christian for over 10 years now, but never actually trusted God to do His work until recently, as I have always been an independent woman, never thinking I need anyone. But, man, does it make life easier! Knowing someone has your back through it all, has the confidence in you to make it through because He made you to do so, and has the ability to be your strength when your human capacity is worn.

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

Chloe picking gramma's blueberries.

This rooster actually chased us out of the coop.

Today's prayer: "Heavenly father, will I produce fruit or run around like a chicken with it's head cut off? You promise and I trust you'll help get me through another day with my head (and butt) in tact unlike my husband's below."

CANNONBALL!

"Oh, great." Short pause. "Mom, for putting me on restriction, I'm going to have to throw you in a cannonball and kill you."

"Well, now you just earned yourself a visit to your bedroom."

"Oh, great." Short pause. "How long?"

If this is not the epitome of surrender I don't know what is! The way he said it was hilarious and the connotation similar to how I feel. Like, 'oh, great...so much crap to do and I'm the only one to do it. Here goes.'

Well, today I've surrendered to picking toilet paper out of mini-buttocks, wiping snot with my bare hand, to knowing I'm growing day by day more addicted to couponing (43% savings today), almost getting nailed by the garage door 'cause Conrad got a hold of the opener, and taking Chloe back to school because for the 15th time this year she forgot her math homework after I've told her, threatened her, and beat her for forgetting it (not really).

Today's prayer: "Lord, allow me to surrender to the fact these are your children I'm raising. Keep me content in trusting that there is a greater plan for all this stuff that I spontaneously encounter and have to deal with. Help me to have a light heart when picking mini cannonpoops out of buns."

Ha-ha! PS. Seth just yelled that he got Conrad's poop all over his hand! Guess I'm not alone.

Today's 2nd prayer: "Lord, thank you for getting poop on Seth's hand today, too. Perhaps he'll be able to empathize with me and give me a massage after the kids go to sleep. Love you."

WORK IN VAIN?

I'm responsible for a Justin Bieber fan, a Spiderman fan, and a fan who just likes to scream. I talk about liking boys, light sabers, and ba-ba's. I drive to horseback riding, skateboarding, and doctors appointments. I read chapter books, picture books, and books with sound. I clean lip gloss off mirrors, red gatorade off my white couch, and pens on walls. I write PE excuse notes, kids are picking on him notes, and baby book notes. I direct homework, behavior, and which way he walks. I listen to constant singing, whining, and crying. I help with emotions, warts and epilepsy, and skinned knees.

And this is all in one day. Us moms do a lot. No wonder half of us are bipolar...we want to laugh, then cry, then yell, then sleep. So many times I wonder what the heck this is all for if they're just going to grow up, talk back, and leave? I learned why at church today.

"The work will not be lost, for it will appear once more in a new, more elegant edition; revised and corrected by it's Author." - Ben Franklin's headstone.

We are their authors and our work as moms will never be lost because the kids themselves are the fruits of our labor. And if we stay strong daily, they will be improved, greater in quality, and the best edition yet. Our work will (not may) appear in their belief systems, morals, coping skills, grades, choice of relationships, emotions, thoughts, decision making, reactions, love toward us, and care toward others (just to name a few).

Granted, our kids have their own minds, personalities, and talents, but we still remain the ones who tell our stories to improve thiers. Our work, no matter how menial, is THAT important. And ladies, we must continue the good fight to write the best story possible with the skills we have, our childrens' characters depend on us. Stay strong in your God given role, Lord knows we can't do it alone.

Today's prayer (1 Cor15:58): "Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that you labor is not in vain in the Lord."

INSANITY

"Get your finger outta nose." "Get your finger outta nose." "Get your finger outta nose." "Get your finger outta nose." "Get your finger outta nose." "Get your finger outta nose." "Get your finger outta nose." "Get your finger outta nose." "Get your finger outta nose."

"Come here, Caleb, show me your pointer fingers. Stick them in this."

5 minutes later, "Phew, mom, that smells."

"I know."

We all know the definition of insanity: To do or say the same thing over and over and expect the same result. What I've realized is that it's so true with children, except that as a mom, I actually drive myself crazy, and they could care less, which drives me even more insane!

My prayer today, "Lord, help me to keep my wits about me, to be smarter than my wee rugrats, and know when to use the vinegar."

WHY?

Why does my 10 yr. old misconstrue "get in the shower and memorize your fractions to decimals" as sitting in the tub fully clothed in the dark lipsynching 1/2 equals 0.5 and then calls me nuts? Why is my 5 yr. old obsessed with pee, poo, and diahrrea? And why, oh, why, Lord, did my 16 mo. old dump an entire bag of Wheat Thins in the backseat 3 minutes after I JUST vacuumed it?

As the saying goes...God only knows. Yet, I'm the one left to further clean up the explanation, mouth, & car. Annoyed, yes? Displeased, no. This job is more important than anything in the world and I need God's direction and strength to persevere. This is because motherhood is a God-fearing role and not a Britta fearing role.

I say a short prayer, "Lord, thank you for letting him say poop and not s*&t. It means I've cleaned up my trucker mouth."